Dogfessions

I haven't posted to my Paris blog in a long time for a couple of reasons. 

1. I'm not in Paris anymore. I'm in Miami Beach. Nikki says she's going to make me start a blog from here, but I'm too busy soaking in the sun. 

2. I have been working on a really cool "foodraiser" campaign on our other sites, Dogfessions and Dogvice. For every postcard you send in (either your human or yourself, doggie) Rachael Ray's dog food brand, Nutrish, is donating a pound of food to homeless doggies. Being a homeless doggie myself once, I know how important eating is. In fact, I enjoy eating to this day. Please come to the sites to check it out. 

Pepper

We are home!

We arrived back in NYC a couple of days ago. Mission "Take Over the QM2" has failed -- this time. But I'm considering this trip one big recon mission, so I'll try again next year -- I'll be smarter, faster, and more capable of steering a large ocean liner. I've bought a book, "Commandeering Ocean Liners for Dogs for Dummies," which is going to help. Too bad I didn't have this book before. 

I wish I could say that it's nice to be back, but honestly, I did enjoy Paris a lot. I could go anywhere, take a seat in a cafe, shop with Nikki, everything. Here, I'm just a dog. Nikki has promised me another trip to Paris, so I'm going to hold her to that. I left my heart in Paris. It's true. 

So, I bid farewell to this blog. I'm thinking of starting another one, a kind of diary of my thoughts and feelings as a dissident doggie in a land where humans rule. Stay tuned for that. In the meantime, thank you for reading my blog and following my adventures, and thank you for your support in my quest for World Dogination. I love each and every one of you. Good woof and goodnight. 

French Prison is no Fun

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. The French secret police found out about my plot for World Dogination and I was brought in for "questioning." I can't talk much about what ensued for the next few days, but I'm sure that they violated many of the Geneva Convention anti-torture constraints. Here's just a little of what happened:

1. First, they put me into a room full of cats and I had to listen to them complain for over 24 hours. Cats complain a lot. 

2. Then, they tied me to a tree and put a soup bone just out of my reach.

3. Next, they sent in a beautiful French Poodle to interrogate me. She nearly wore down my resolve with her sexy foot poofs, but I kept strong in the interest of dog and country. 

That's about all I can remember. I think they drugged me. I woke up on a train to Germany -- clearly, I had been tossed out of the country. Fortunately, Nikki was with me, and we were able to get back to Hamburg just in time to get onto the Queen Mary 2 again. We have been on a ship now for 3 days, and I'm relieved to have escaped with no physical harm.

Mission Take Over Paris: Failed.

But don't feel sad for me, my dear followers. I'm on the ship again, and Mission Take Over Queen Mary 2 is back in effect. Because I've already done a transatlantic voyage, I'm that much stronger, that much smarter, and now that I feel recovered from my ordeal in Paris, I think I'm ready to make the final push for World Dogination. My little revolution is going to start smaller than I'd hoped, but a little doggie has to start somewhere. 

Rendezvous around town

We did a few fun things recently -- first, we went to a cool new dog boutique called "Dog and Design" owned by Archibald the Labrador Retriever. He allows his human, Stephane Moisset to work there, which I think is very kind of him. See photo. The store is really cool! 

Then, we went out with Vincent and Kamila, the people who own the apartment where we're staying. They are so adorable and sweet. I liked them a lot, even though it doesn't look like it in the photo. Vincent never had a dog before, so I think that my sparkling personality and good looks won him over. 

Today it's raining, which is a bummer, but I did get to go outside in my pink raincoat, joy of joys. On an interesting note, Nikki is now addicted to Starbucks, of all things. In NYC, she's more of a deli-brewed coffee kind of girl, but since there's no brew coffee in Paris besides Starbucks, we've been going every morning -- so much that we're making friends with the employees! It's not that Nikki doesn't like the coffee in Paris -- you can't get a bad cup of Joe here -- it's just that she needs a coffee IV pretty much all the time, and the Parisian coffee isn't strong enough for her. She'd have to drink 5 Parisian coffees to make one Venti from SB. Sad, but true. Thank you, Seattle, for coming to Paris -- without you, Nikki would be unbearable in the morning. 

Dogination takes time . . .

Yesterday Nikki took me for more photo sessions around Paris. I did good. I'm a good dog. But that's just my cover. I'm actually operating under that guise in order to keep a low-profile until the day when I've finally organized my Dogination Pack and we upturn the powers that be and turn Paris into a Doginated city. I know I must sound like the proverbial broken record, and you're waiting for my plan to finally happen, but I have to tell you that these things take time -- Rome wasn't built in a day, and Paris wasn't conquered in a day either (well, except in 1940, but we won't talk about that). So, I'm keeping my eyes and ears sharp, and I'm waiting for my opening. 

In the meantime, there is some fun to be had. Paris is a beautiful city. I can't wait to become leader so that I can have a fountain built in my honor! Also, I will turn the Louvre into an indoor dog park. Finally, among my first decrees, I will make it a law for every corner Tabac to dispense free dog treats. 

Dog patisserie!

Today Nikki took me to a dog bakery, the only one of its kind in all of France, Mon Bon Chien. I liked it because they left the display open and I stole a lot of cookies. Also, the place is owned by an American woman, who totally "got" me as an American dog -- she petted me a lot and gave me goodies. Ah, just like home! 

Some musings . . .

I only like riding the Metro when Nikki carries me. When I'm on the ground everything's all noisy and there are too many feet. I vote that Nikki carries me always, no matter where, no matter when, simply all the time. Let's work on that. 

French dogs seem a little snooty. When they walk by me, their humans snatch them up or pull them to the side. Do I look that menacing? Do I look like I have fleas? I think it's just their humans know about my World Dogination plan, and it frightens them. Yeah, you'd better watch out, Pomme Frite. 

I like baguette. That's French bread. It looks like a sausage, but it's bready and crunchy and chewy. 

Someone left a comment for me to post a photo of some of the French guys that Nikki has been meeting. Here is one. She says he's "hot," but honestly, I think she likes him because he's really quiet. 

PS: Does Nikki look like a tourist, or what? Ditch the camera bag, honey! 

I eets Frenchs food

Well, it seems that Paris suits me. I am a very picky eater (not many people know that) and I haven't really been excited about dog food for some years now, and Nikki refuses to feed me "people food" (even though I am a people). But all of this walking in the sunshine down the Champs Elysee is doing me good. I am eating well -- French dog food, of course. 

We haven't been doing much lately. Nikki can't seem to get out of bed until 1 pm because she's either writing or chatting on the phone till the wee hours. What's up with that? I'm on a strict schedule of sightseeing and toppling the French government. But Nikki's not on board. I will urge her to change her night-owl schedule and take me out in the daytime when I can do my best espionage. Besides, a little doggie needs his sleep. 

And so it begins . . .

Today Nikki and I hunted for dog boutiques. Many pet shops in Paris have some items for dogs, cages full of puppies, and a lot of weird farm animals and chickens with feathers on their feet. No, we wanted a genuine boutique. We ran across the ONLY doggie daycare in all of France (see photo of me being loved on by the owner). At first I was taken aback by the fact that this kind of thing is so unusual in France, and then the reason hit me -- it's because dogs rule this city too! I suspected as much, but I can now add a morsel of proof to my basket of evidence. Dogs don't need daycare here because they are hard at work running the government and all of its services. Of course! Still, I'm sure there are puppies here, and young tots do need a place to play during the day while their parents are at work, so I'm relieved that at least this one daycare exists. We also saw a doggie taxi today, further proof that canines are king in this town. Viva la doggies! 

One bit of disturbing news regarding Nikki's behavior . . . I seem to be irresistible to French men, because they come up to talk to ME, but then a moment later they are talking to Nikki. She knows how I feel about my public -- it's critical that I maintain a good relationship with my fanbase. Shall I show my displeasure by biting a few ankles? No, I'm too evolved for that. I shall be the bigger dog and allow Nikki to mingle with my fans. After all, she's my best friend. 

Sunday in Paris in August is little more than a throng of tourists all vying for their spot on the sidewalks, snapping photos and oohing over monuments. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, except for the fact that I'm only 14 inches tall and I blend into the sidewalk because I'm a striking silver color (some say gray, I say silver). So, I tend to get run down a lot by large crowds. Nikki stopped into a pet store and bought me a rolling travel bag that actually fits me (I have another, but I'm way too big for it). I love riding in my bag because I get to save my energy for barking at bicycles. 

Because today is a little drizzly and overcast, we walked around the Louvre a bit, and then ducked into a Brasserie to have some nourishment (of which I only got the slightest bit of chicken). When the sky cleared, we went to the bird market on the Ile de la Cite near Notre Dame. Not only do they have birds (which I don't care for), they have small furry creatures (which I do care for). Nikki did not buy me a single one of these snacks for sale. I would have happily taken a small bunny, a ferret, or even a mouse. But she just waltzed me on by the snack tables. When she wants to stop for crepes, we stop. I want a gerbil, and it's "walk on by." Nice, Nikki. 

For fun, Nikki made a video of my time on the Queen Mary 2 -- please check it out. She's not the best camera person, but she tries, so I forgive her. 

My Day Off

Today I was completely beat after 4 days of wandering around town, looking for cracks in the governmental structure of the city, trying to find a way to topple the "powers that be" and install an all-dog regime. To be honest, all I wanted to do today was relax and sit in cafes eating kibble crepes. I have to admit that I'm starting to get used to the leisurely pace of Paris. Am I getting soft? Will I be dragged into the city's lazy undertow? In any case, I'm a bit under Nikki's control, and she seems to want to sight-see, so I'm along for the ride. See photo -- I rest my case. 

Paris is Burning

It has been a hot couple of days in Paris. The faces on the street seem to be wilting with the heat. I have been showing a lot of "tongue" here -- panting is the only way I can stay cool so close to the sizzling cobblestones. It's a dog's life, but I persist. I'm in Paris. I can't complain.

Yesterday we visited some of the more famous monuments here in Paris. I'm trying to assess the lay of the land before I start my mission in ernest. So far, I have noticed more Americans here than Parisians, which is a good sign. Most of the locals are vacationing in the south. It means that the country is empty and weak -- a good time to make my move.

I tried to enter the American embassy today, with no luck. They didn't believe I was American. I know I look German, but I'm from the midwest, folks!

A couple of funny notes about Paris:

1. When kids see me, they say "wow wow!" instead of "woof woof." Apparently, "wow" is how French dogs bark. You learn something new every day.

2. I didn't know that it was illegal here to clip a dog's ears and crop the tail -- today we saw a Standard Schnauzer with a curly tail like a Chow! Everyone (yes, everyone) asks how old I am -- apparently this law isn't that old, so they think that perhaps I'm older than the law. I'm only 10, so that confuses them. Then they ask if I'm American. Yes. I'm a savage. We crop ears and tails across the pond. Forgive us. To Nikki's credit, she got me from the shelter this way, so her only crime (in my estimation) was having the veterinarian remove my "croutons." That wasn't a happy day.

3. I can be slightly hostile toward bicycles, wheelchairs, strollers, rollerbladers, motorcycles, and joggers. I find the above items offensive. In New York, people get bent out of shape when I bark at these wheeled contraptions. Here in Paris they think it's funny. Viva la France! I like that.

On another note, I love going to the cafes here -- they serve me water and they are very complimentary. Yes, I'm adorable. Adore me.

Paree, Paree, Weewee, Paree!

I am finally in Paris! As you know, I'm starting my official quest for World Dogination here. I have to move with some stealth, however, as the French are quite competent at digging out spies. I have seen the Pink Panther films. 

I have moved into a flat that's exactly half a block from the Palais D'Elysee (where the President of France lives, like the White House, but brown). This area is replete with gendarme (the fuzz), and today I nearly got interred in a French jail on the accusation of espionage -- a jealous feline must have ratted me out and shown the French Intelligence Service this blog. Drat you devil cats! Fortunately, I was able to bark my way out of it by telling them that Pepper was my evil twin brother, and that I was indeed the good twin, "Salt." 

Meanwhile, I'm learning French. Today I learned "Wee Wee," which I already knew, actually (see photo). 

The biggest adventure I had today was nearly losing my Ashley and Co. (www.ashleyandco.com) sterling silver paw charm that I was given as a good luck token. I was distraught to see it fall through the slats of a bridge, nearly into the water below -- instead, it fell into a crack that had a small shelf, saving the charm. A very nice Frenchman came by and saw my panic and pulled out his trusty cork screw to rescue my charm. Tragedy averted. 

Oh, and if you haven't done so already, please check out www.dogfessions.com and www.dogvice.com. Nikki said that if I didn't do a shameless plug here, she'd dress me like Uncle Sam and make me stand outside of the American Embassy. Or did she say that was our activity for tomorrow? 

Dogonium in Belgium

Today we went to the "Dogonium" in Brussels, Belgium -- it's a large structure made of metal balls that are meant to represent chew toys of the future. It was built in 1958 for the World's Fair to show that dogs are the center of the world. Very flattering. It's funny, though, because these type of metal chew toys never came to fruition. Frankly, I prefer a good rope tug. 

Next, we drove to Paris!!! We were going to stop somewhere in between, but the weather was terrible -- see photo of TORNADOES. Yes, French tornadoes. Who would've thunk it. Many of you don't know that I actually come from a small town in Indiana, right in Tornado Alley. Nikki got me from a small, sad, cold little shelter in the middle of nowhere. So, I know of tornadoes. We decided to skip Le Tornado Death and head into Paris. Tomorrow we will hit the town and I'll see what this place is made of. Is it all it's cracked up to be? I'll let you know. 

I Amsterdam!

Today was our last full day in Amsterdam. They had a HUGE "Pride" parade today up and down the canals of this town and Nikki and Harald hitchhiked onto a boat full of fun folks from Amsterdam, Brazil, and Germany. There were a lot of men dressed like beauty queens on other boats and the rainbow seemed to be a dominating theme of the party. Even though they all had fun, I feel bad for the humans -- they only feel pride one day a year, but dogs feel it every day. 

As for me, I was walking around town by myself, looking for more signs that dogs run this town, and I found them. 

1. See photo of Gaugin painting with Schnauzer in it at the Van Gogh museum.

2. Dogs running loose and playing in water in parks. 

3. Dogs that commandeer their own boats. 

Breed Legislation: A Load of Poo

As far as I can tell, there is no breed legislation here in Amsterdam. Any kind of dog may reside in the city limits, and in fact, dogs are not required to follow rules of any kind. For example, I met Bink, a big white Pit Bull kind of canine, today on a busy street and he was carrying a severed human arm. Passers-by were not phased, as they would be in any town in America. Hooray for Dutch Dog Domination! I felt at once proud and a little sad that my country doesn’t allow dogs to follow their instincts and take what they desire – cats, limbs from telemarketers, and hotdog stands. Where’s the equality? Where’s the love? I aspire to be like Bink and someday live in a land where I may live as I choose. I would not like to eat human arms, but I will uphold Bink’s desire to do as he wishes.

Day 3: Amsterdogination: How Much is that Girly in the Window?

We arrived in Amsterdam, Holland, and I was pleased to discover that this town is already run by dogs – gladly, I don’t have to use any strong paw tactics, as I have been prepared to do. As long as canines are at the helm, I’m contented.

In the case of Amsterdam, I didn’t have to go to the top to be assured that my canine brethren are in charge. The evidence is quite clear:

1. As much as I loathe bicycles (moving ones, especially), they are the main transportation in this town. Fewer cars means fewer canine road fatalities.
2. The cars that do exist are tiny – I could even drive one.
3. There are bus passes for dogs and dogs are allowed in cafes.
4. Rather than puppies in a store window (I shudder at the thought), there are human women. Clearly, dogs are much more respected here than people.

I am so tired today from all the investigating, I fell asleep at the computer. I will write more after my nap.

Day 2: Total City Dognination: Bremen, Germany

My new butler/chaffeur/porter, Harald from Berlin (Nikki’s friend) drove us in his BMW to Bremen, Germany, to “see the sights.” I was obviously there to put Phase Two into effect: Total City Dogination. On the way we stopped at a rest station and I commandeered a Dutch ship, the Cykniso (see photo).

Because I am so important, my butler and Nikki have procured a special coach for me to ride in, which they pull for me so that I don’t get tired. The Dogination begins.

After investigating this town, I came to find out that its central government consists of a donkey, a dog, a cat, and a rooster. There’s even a statue of them in the town center (see photo). They asked me to come on board as the honorary mayor of the town, and I of course accepted. Two cities down, Europe to go.

Day 1: Total World Dogination Begins

I had to let my dear ship, the Queen Mary 2, go back into the deep blue seas without me. Though I could not command the ship (on this particular voyage), my larger mission still remains – Total World Dogination.

Today I set about taking over the port city of Hamburg, Germany. I decided to start my mission here because it’s the place where my favorite snack originated – the hamburger. I knew that there had to be dogs at the heart of the history of this town, and probably behind the scenes, pulling the strings of the local government.

I found the town center and met some of the local people, who directed me to the courthouse. After some sniffing around, I confirmed my suspicions. Dogs are already ruling this town! The human puppet government is run entirely by the canine persuasion. My job here is done. I must move on.

The Master Plan: Total World Dog-ination

Today is my last day on the voyage to Europe. We are currently on the Elbe River with Germany on either side. There are literally thousands of Germans in small boats and lining the banks to take photos of me on the ship. Someone must have alerted them to my presence. I've heard that 400,000 people will be there in Hamburg to greet the ship, and that the city is lighting up all the bridges and tall buildings with blue light -- all for me. I'm a Schnauzer, after all, so it's a big deal for me to return to the Fatherland. I appreciate that my public has come out to greet me. It feels good. 

Today the Staff Captain (second in command of the ship) came to see me in the kennel. I'm sure that someone ratted out my plan to take over the ship, and he came to size me up. He was intimidated, but he didn't show it -- he has to give the impression of strength, and I understand that. Still, I could tell that he was aware of my abilities and the threat I pose. So, I decided to do my "doggie routine" and play ball with the kennel master. I will bide my time. After all, we are coming back to NYC on the ship too, where I will have eight more days to make my move. 

I am sad to be leaving the ship. I feel that it's a second home to me now. I have gotten used to all of the friendly faces I've seen on board. But I know that there's more adventure waiting for me out there in Europe. Between you and me,  I'm having Nikki take me to Paris to begin Stage One of my plan for Total World Dog-ination. The French will be easy to overcome -- all that wine and cheese have made them complacent. Poodle by poodle, I will take control. 

PS: People have asked where I do my important "business" on the ship. See attached photograph. 

Plan "Take Over Queen Mary 2" status: Failed

Today Nikki went to Stongehenge (see pic) and left me with the kennel master. I have been studying him for a week now, and I thought I knew his weaknesses. First, he thinks I'm an innocent Schnauzer. I do the "cuddle up" routine very well. Little does he know I'm a trained killer (of small rodents, but still). Secondly, he can't watch me ALL the time. Or so I thought. Actually he can. And, when he's not watching me, there are three dratted locks to un-do before I can make my way swiftly to the bridge for my takeover. I can even see the bridge from the dog run, and those guys in white uniforms don't seem so tough from here. In any case, there was no opportunity today to make a break for it. Plus, I have to admit that I was having fun barking at all the new people that came onto the ship today in South Hampton. And, the kennel master was giving me all his attention (I'm the only dog on board now), so I got a little complacent. By the time Nikki got back from trying to uncover the secrets of the ancients, I had ditched my plan a decided to just get lavished with attention instead. There's always tomorrow.